Last night I fell asleep in front of the TV. The infomercials were flying and at about 4am I woke up in a cold sweat after a nightmare. I dreamed that instead of putting ads on Craigslist to pay people $10 to $15 an hour to promote Obamacare, that the Obama Administration hired Vince, the ShamWOW guy to sell it for them. It went something like this.
Hi I’m Vince for Obama care. You’ll be saying wow everytime you need medical care. It’s like Dr. Kevorkian, Nurse Ratchett and President Obama all rolled into one. You’re gonna be smiling all day because change you believe in is going to take all your pains away.
You ever cut yourself?? No problem for Obamacare. You just take a Shamwow, cut to the appropriate size, apply direct pressure to the cut and make your way to the hospital emergency room. Once there just take a seat and wait 12 to 18 hours for them to call your name. At that point slowly peel back the Shamwow and voila, your cut is almost healed. Who needs to actually see a doctor?
Are you over 50 and looking for a hip or knee replacement? Obamacare’s got you covered. Instead of going through a risky surgery and a long painful recovery, just rely on Obamacare’s three step plan. Step one, take a really strong painkiller. Step two, take a couple of tablespoons of Arsenic. Step three, take a nose dive into a shallow grave. Stop having boring surgery and stop having a boring life when you can anesthetize, euthanize then fertilize. Easy as 1, 2, 3. No other healthcare plan is going to do that.
Are you a man with a testicular problem? Obamacare is gonna love your nuts because it has what I affectionately call the Slapchop solution. First we’ll remove your pants, then we’ll grab your nads, dip them in alcohol and then amputate them. Are you following me camera guy? Thats rip, grip, dip and snip.
Are you suffering from that annoying condition known as pregnancy? No problem. Obamacare will spare no expense and get you the best doctors that middle class American tax dollars can buy.
How painless will Obamacare be? This is the best part. You won’t need to read countless insurance plans to decide what’s best for you. It’s the same process our congressman and senators took to pass Obamacare.
See what I’m telling ya? You’ll be saying wow everytime you need healthcare.
Disclaimor: Side effects of Obamacare include more national debt, excessive diagnostic wait times, rationing of services, higher taxes, stronger healthcare unions, higher mortality rates.”