Satire

Redeye Guy Greg Gutfeld Has Solution To Ground Zero Mosque Debate

Mulder

Below is a clip from Greg Gutfeld’s show last night. As the builders of the Ground Zero Mosque say it would be a great symbol of tolerance, Gutfeld suggests New York put a gay bar that caters to Muslims right next door to the Mosque.

Today, Gutfeld made an appearance on Glenn Beck and suggested some names for the gay bar. These included “Jihot”, “Jihunk”, “Turban Cowboy”, “Infidelicious”, “You Mecca Me Hot”, and Glenn Beck’s favourite name suggestion is “Suspicious Packages”.

Knowing Gutfeld, I would assume this is a joke, but in reality you can’t really say his logic is dramatically flawed. His intent is clear. The other side’s is at minimum insensitive, no matter how legal. But will it work to either push the limits of tolerance among all of us, or back off to the understanding of how hypocritical it may be to argue that the bar should not be allowed.

We’ll have to keep an eye on Gutfeld’s progress on this. One might also be curious as to whether or not he actually contacted a neighbouring owners for quotes.

Kevin James In New Paul Blart Movie? Wearing Robes, He's In Briefs and He's In Drag!

Mulder

I figure using this blog is my one shot at becoming a Saturday Night Live writer.  So here goes.

Kevin James, after a successful run as the King of Queens, and big screen success with Paul Blart: Mall Cop is back.  And this time he’s in drag.  After his success in saving the mall, Paul Blart starts a private investigator firm and goes deep deep deep undercover as a female lawyer named Elena.  He is so successful that he ends up getting posted to be the Dean of Harvard Business School  His mission almost gets exposed when he get’s nominated by President Barack Obama to be a Supreme Court Justice.

That’s right.  A Supreme Court Justice in…

Paul Blart 2:  Washington Mall Cop.
Kevin JamesElena Kagan

That’s James in the photo above…on the left.

That’s Elena Kagan, Supreme Court Justice nominee on the right. (I swear!!)

Lorne Michaels…you’re welcome.  Just email me at mulder at officiallyscrewed dot com to find out where to send my writer’s fee and residuals whenever Kevin James hosts the show in the future!!

Barack Obama Wins Miss Universe Pageant

Mulder

BarryO-BeachIn an unprecedented situation, President Barack Obama has followed up his Nobel Peace Prize by winning the Miss Universe Pageant despite the fact that he a) is a man and b) did not enter the contest.

Pageant officials addressed the fact that President Obama is not a woman with the following statement:

We understand that the President has a Y chromosome, but we feel that this was an aberration that was beyond his control and should he have received the X chromosome from his father at conception, he would have been an incredibly attractive woman. And the judges feel his charisma has been clearly demonstrated in his numerous speeches, and his desire to “save the world” would put him on par with Miss Algeria, Miss Greece, Miss Spain, Miss New Zealand, Miss Brazil, Miss Guatemala, etc. Additionally, we know he looks great in evening wear and his beach photo’s demonstrate he would perform admirably in the swimsuit competition.

Congratulations President Illinois!!

HealthScamWow

Mulder

HealthScamWOWLast night I fell asleep in front of the TV. The infomercials were flying and at about 4am I woke up in a cold sweat after a nightmare. I dreamed that instead of putting ads on Craigslist to pay people $10 to $15 an hour to promote Obamacare, that the Obama Administration hired Vince, the ShamWOW guy to sell it for them. It went something like this.

Hi I’m Vince for Obama care. You’ll be saying wow everytime you need medical care. It’s like Dr. Kevorkian, Nurse Ratchett and President Obama all rolled into one. You’re gonna be smiling all day because change you believe in is going to take all your pains away.

You ever cut yourself?? No problem for Obamacare. You just take a Shamwow, cut to the appropriate size, apply direct pressure to the cut and make your way to the hospital emergency room. Once there just take a seat and wait 12 to 18 hours for them to call your name. At that point slowly peel back the Shamwow and voila, your cut is almost healed. Who needs to actually see a doctor?

Are you over 50 and looking for a hip or knee replacement? Obamacare’s got you covered. Instead of going through a risky surgery and a long painful recovery, just rely on Obamacare’s three step plan. Step one, take a really strong painkiller.  Step two, take a couple of tablespoons of Arsenic. Step three, take a nose dive into a shallow grave. Stop having boring surgery and stop having a boring life when you can anesthetize, euthanize then fertilize.  Easy as 1, 2, 3. No other healthcare plan is going to do that.

Are you a man with a testicular problem? Obamacare is gonna love your nuts because it has what I affectionately call the Slapchop solution. First we’ll remove your pants, then we’ll grab your nads, dip them in alcohol and then amputate them. Are you following me camera guy? Thats rip, grip, dip and snip.

Are you suffering from that annoying condition known as pregnancy?  No problem. Obamacare will spare no expense and get you the best doctors that middle class American tax dollars can buy.

How painless will Obamacare be? This is the best part. You won’t need to read countless insurance plans to decide what’s best for you.  It’s the same process our congressman and senators took to pass Obamacare.

See what I’m telling ya? You’ll be saying wow everytime you need healthcare.

Disclaimor:  Side effects of Obamacare include more national debt, excessive diagnostic wait times, rationing of services, higher taxes, stronger healthcare unions, higher mortality rates.”