Guffaw – Page 4 – OfficiallyScrewed.com

Why I Am Voting Liberal (tongue in cheek)

August 8, 2008Mulder

WHY I AM VOTING LIBERAL

I’m voting Liberal because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I’m voting Liberal because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I’m voting Liberal because when we pull out of Afghanistan I trust that the bad guys will stop what they’re doing because they now think we’re good people.

I’m voting Liberal because I believe that people who can’t tell us if it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don’t start driving a Prius.

I’m voting Liberal because I’m not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep inmates who should be on death row, alive.

I’m voting Liberal because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.

I’m voting Liberal because I believe Liberal judges need to interpret the Constitution to suit fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.

I’m voting Liberal because I believe that illegal refugees and government give-aways to foreigners is a great way to grow a nation.

I’m voting Liberal because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and
thieves.

I’m voting Liberal because I love the fact that I can now marry who and whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my turtle.

I’m voting Liberal because I believe oil companies’ profits of 10% on a litre of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same litre of gas at 50% plus a carbon tax of another 20% isn’t.

I’m voting Liberal because I’m such a pinhead it’s unlikely that I’ll ever have another point of view.

h/t my friend Frank

Fossil Found

July 2, 2008Mulder

An archeological team, digging in Ottawa , has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what is believed to be the first liberal.

First Liberal

h/t my friend Renzo

Straight From Battling A Lion Into The Jaws Of The Media

March 6, 2008Mulder

An MP is driving by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The MP jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the MP brings her back to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the MP, says: “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life. What do you do for a living?”

“Well, I’m a Member of Parliament. And, it was nothing, really. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.”

“Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s papers will have this on the first page. What party are you with?”

“The Conservative Party of Canada.”

The journalist leaves. The following morning, the MP buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

HARPER’S THUG MP ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

The Meaning of Service

October 28, 2007Mulder

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the
word “service.”

“It’s the act of doing things for other people.”

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Postal Service
Telephone Service
Cable Service
Public Service
Municipal Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Etc.

I became confused about the word “service.” Doing things for other people?? Just exactly what??

That’s not what I was seeing.

Then the other day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to “service” a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective.

Now I understand what all those “service” agencies are doing to us.

H/T to my friend Frank

Global Warming Cooked My Sushi

February 15, 2007Mulder

Cooked Fish Today I went to my favourite sushi place and ordered a rainbow roll. I was expecting to see the roll appear with a nice blend of colours across the plate and sink my teeth into some nice raw fish with some ginger and wasabi.

The chef did his thing but by the time it got from the sushi bar to my table it looked like this.

Global warming cooked my sushi.

I’m not making this up … I’m not allowed to do that.

Global Warming Brings End To Religion

February 3, 2007Mulder

Limp Wick Churches have lots of candles.

In recent years, the number of churches going up in flames has increased.

The primary reason is believed to be “limp wick” syndrome made popular by Al Gore. (Unlike the opposite syndrome which Bill Clinton suffers from.)

“Limp wick” is when warm air causes candles to tip over spilling wax and red hot wicks to the ground igniting carpeting. Due to the rise in this syndrome fire departments all across the world are closing up churches.

“Limp wick” is attributed to Global Warming.

I can’t make this up … I’m not allowed to do that.