Guffaw

Tiger's Words Before They Are Spoken

Mulder

Tiger Woods is speaking to the press Friday. My prediction on what he is going to say.

I’m sorry if I have hurt my fans. (interpret as “I am sorry if I lost my sponsors”)

I know I have hurt my wife and family. (interpret as “We’re probably through”)

I have been seeking counselling for my problem. (interpret as “This is my way of saying I am trying to fix myself…but don’t really care to do so because I had a hell of a ride…or many rides”)

I am going to get back to my career. (interpret as “The PGA is dying without me on tour so they are paying me a ton of money to come back sooner than I was expecting.”)

I look forward to doing well in the upcoming tournaments. (interpret as “My wife is taking a boatload of my money and I need to make some on tour”)

Thank you to those who supported me. (interpret as “Screw off you vultures who made jokes and laughed and poked fun at my situation.”

Barack Obama Wins Miss Universe Pageant

Mulder

BarryO-BeachIn an unprecedented situation, President Barack Obama has followed up his Nobel Peace Prize by winning the Miss Universe Pageant despite the fact that he a) is a man and b) did not enter the contest.

Pageant officials addressed the fact that President Obama is not a woman with the following statement:

We understand that the President has a Y chromosome, but we feel that this was an aberration that was beyond his control and should he have received the X chromosome from his father at conception, he would have been an incredibly attractive woman. And the judges feel his charisma has been clearly demonstrated in his numerous speeches, and his desire to “save the world” would put him on par with Miss Algeria, Miss Greece, Miss Spain, Miss New Zealand, Miss Brazil, Miss Guatemala, etc. Additionally, we know he looks great in evening wear and his beach photo’s demonstrate he would perform admirably in the swimsuit competition.

Congratulations President Illinois!!

HealthScamWow

Mulder

HealthScamWOWLast night I fell asleep in front of the TV. The infomercials were flying and at about 4am I woke up in a cold sweat after a nightmare. I dreamed that instead of putting ads on Craigslist to pay people $10 to $15 an hour to promote Obamacare, that the Obama Administration hired Vince, the ShamWOW guy to sell it for them. It went something like this.

Hi I’m Vince for Obama care. You’ll be saying wow everytime you need medical care. It’s like Dr. Kevorkian, Nurse Ratchett and President Obama all rolled into one. You’re gonna be smiling all day because change you believe in is going to take all your pains away.

You ever cut yourself?? No problem for Obamacare. You just take a Shamwow, cut to the appropriate size, apply direct pressure to the cut and make your way to the hospital emergency room. Once there just take a seat and wait 12 to 18 hours for them to call your name. At that point slowly peel back the Shamwow and voila, your cut is almost healed. Who needs to actually see a doctor?

Are you over 50 and looking for a hip or knee replacement? Obamacare’s got you covered. Instead of going through a risky surgery and a long painful recovery, just rely on Obamacare’s three step plan. Step one, take a really strong painkiller.  Step two, take a couple of tablespoons of Arsenic. Step three, take a nose dive into a shallow grave. Stop having boring surgery and stop having a boring life when you can anesthetize, euthanize then fertilize.  Easy as 1, 2, 3. No other healthcare plan is going to do that.

Are you a man with a testicular problem? Obamacare is gonna love your nuts because it has what I affectionately call the Slapchop solution. First we’ll remove your pants, then we’ll grab your nads, dip them in alcohol and then amputate them. Are you following me camera guy? Thats rip, grip, dip and snip.

Are you suffering from that annoying condition known as pregnancy?  No problem. Obamacare will spare no expense and get you the best doctors that middle class American tax dollars can buy.

How painless will Obamacare be? This is the best part. You won’t need to read countless insurance plans to decide what’s best for you.  It’s the same process our congressman and senators took to pass Obamacare.

See what I’m telling ya? You’ll be saying wow everytime you need healthcare.

Disclaimor:  Side effects of Obamacare include more national debt, excessive diagnostic wait times, rationing of services, higher taxes, stronger healthcare unions, higher mortality rates.”

Only In A Government Town

Mulder

Considering:

a) I am located in Ottawa

b) this blog is titled what it is

c) the sixth image below is an accurate depiction of what this blog is all about and

d) it just made me laugh,

I had to post this image I came across while surfing at Failblog.org.  I am thinking the person in the front is a taxpayer.

OfficiallyScrewed in Ottawa
Click to enlarge

Why I Am Voting Liberal (tongue in cheek)

Mulder

WHY I AM VOTING LIBERAL

I’m voting Liberal because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I’m voting Liberal because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I’m voting Liberal because when we pull out of Afghanistan I trust that the bad guys will stop what they’re doing because they now think we’re good people.

I’m voting Liberal because I believe that people who can’t tell us if it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don’t start driving a Prius.

I’m voting Liberal because I’m not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep inmates who should be on death row, alive.

I’m voting Liberal because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.

I’m voting Liberal because I believe Liberal judges need to interpret the Constitution to suit fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.

I’m voting Liberal because I believe that illegal refugees and government give-aways to foreigners is a great way to grow a nation.

I’m voting Liberal because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and
thieves.

I’m voting Liberal because I love the fact that I can now marry who and whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my turtle.

I’m voting Liberal because I believe oil companies’ profits of 10% on a litre of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same litre of gas at 50% plus a carbon tax of another 20% isn’t.

I’m voting Liberal because I’m such a pinhead it’s unlikely that I’ll ever have another point of view.

h/t my friend Frank

Straight From Battling A Lion Into The Jaws Of The Media

Mulder

An MP is driving by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The MP jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the MP brings her back to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the MP, says: “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life. What do you do for a living?”

“Well, I’m a Member of Parliament. And, it was nothing, really. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.”

“Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s papers will have this on the first page. What party are you with?”

“The Conservative Party of Canada.”

The journalist leaves. The following morning, the MP buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

HARPER’S THUG MP ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

The Meaning of Service

Mulder

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the
word “service.”

“It’s the act of doing things for other people.”

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Postal Service
Telephone Service
Cable Service
Public Service
Municipal Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Etc.

I became confused about the word “service.” Doing things for other people?? Just exactly what??

That’s not what I was seeing.

Then the other day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to “service” a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective.

Now I understand what all those “service” agencies are doing to us.

H/T to my friend Frank